| Previous Section | Back to Table of Contents | Lords Hansard Home Page |
Baroness Billingham: My Lords, I beg to second my noble friend's Motion for an humble Address. It is an honour and a pleasure to be invited to second this Motion today, even more so to follow my noble friend Lady Lockwood who is one of the most respected and longest serving Peers in the House. For years she was just a name to me, but what a name. She was a pioneer in the field of equal opportunities and helped to change the lives of all of us. She continues her outstanding contribution in this House. She opened doors to a new generation who found that they had a champion. The list of honours alongside her name bears testimony to a life of service, enrichment and personal dedication. More than that; she is a most delightful person, with a real twinkle in her eye and kindness in her heart.
Baroness Billingham: But today, my Lords, I am under the very strictest orders—no heavy politics, no controversial issues, an absolute time limit and a light-hearted approach. So what on earth am I to talk about if not the single currency, Corby or even climate change? What makes me in any way different from—I certainly could never be better than—your Lordships assembled here today?
Perhaps I could claim to have two distinguishing marks: first, I play bridge for the House of Lords; and, secondly, I play tennis for the combined Lords and Commons tennis team—my extracurricular activities, I suppose you could call them.
As for bridge, I have absolutely nothing to boast about, as my long-suffering partner, my noble friend Lord Harrison, would readily testify. But, I have one outstanding achievement: I found the cup—yes, the cup, the one and only bridge cup, priceless in value and history—which vanished mysteriously from the cabinet in the Bishops' Bar, where else?
Our supremo, otherwise known as the captain of bridge, the noble Lord, Lord Skelmersdale, was distraught. There were dark mutterings and angry attendance. Black Rod launched an investigation, but to no avail. The cup could not be found. Months and months passed. But I, with my gimlet eye, spotted it high up on a shelf, deep in the underground regions of
23 Nov 2004 : Column 9
the House. I was collecting my pager, since you ask. There it was, filthy and tarnished but undamaged. Holding it aloft, Bobby Moore style, I received a hero's welcome, with champagne corks a-popping and Black Rod ever after referring to me as Lady Pickles.
My second sporting venture is with the parliamentary tennis team. If I say, at the risk of being overly generous, that we are not terribly good, there would be little fear of contradiction by anyone who has seen us play. In the few years during which I have turned out, I think that we have won three matches and one of those was the result of an opponent spraining an ankle during the knock-up.
I have three regular gentlemen partners.
Baroness Billingham: My Lords, in the tennis playing sense, I hasten to add. Behave yourselves, my Lords. Sadly, my debut pairing with Michael Meacher was my last. He took to his bed for a week after an afternoon's exertions with me. My regulars are all from the other place and are indeed a hat-trick of delights: David Cameron, John Bercow and Sir Michael Spicer. Make of that what you will. The only thing on which we all agree is that I should play in the left court while they play in the right. In some cases—no names here I think—they play so far to the right that they are frequently aced down the middle. Could there be a political message for them from that experience?
But what we lack in skill and, in my case, mobility, we more than compensate for in competitiveness and spurious excuses as to why we lost. There are positives to be had. We have great fun, take valuable exercise and our opponents leave the court feeling like Roger Federer. Our results may be lose/lose but in reality, for all of us it is win/win.
I move swiftly on to my main theme for today. Survival is the word and image is the key. Let me be frank: I was quite relaxed when it appeared that only the blue bloods were under threat. It is quite another matter now when it appears that all of us are in jeopardy. Speaking totally selfishly, as one who has run the gauntlet of the ballot box for as long as I care to remember, the joy of a safe seat here on the leather benches was serendipity. Life, we were led to believe, meant life. Now ghastly prospects of elections, democratic accountability and even political transparency serve to threaten our very existence. The only programme is united action to save us from disaster, so I will lay my battle plan before you today.
If we are to survive, it is action now that can save us. Public support—indeed, public demand—are essential for our continued survival. We have to popularise and transform our image. Believe me, I know we can do it.
Very recently, I had a personal crisis to deal with and a potential disaster to deflect. Some of your Lordships will know that my daughter is married to Dennis Skinner's son. That is absolutely fine. But Dennis called his son Dennis. When a grandson arrived, I froze. Just suppose that history was repeated. I know that your Lordships
23 Nov 2004 : Column 10
will understand. It is quite one thing to be introduced as Dennis Skinner's mother in law but I surely could not be expected to go through life as Dennis Skinner's granny. There was a family conference; sanity prevailed; and we have a delightful little boy called Tom. Disaster averted.
In a similar way, we must look to our future. We need a huge swell of popular support. I can visualise it now: hundreds, no, thousands of placards waving enthusiastically, filling Parliament Square, reading "Hands off our precious Peers", "Save the Lords", and crowds chanting, "No ifs, no buts, save the Lords from swingeing cuts"—messages irresistible to decision-makers.
So how do we do it? Image, as I said, is the key. No more "old people's home" tag. No more being caught out on television having a little zizz on the Benches. As from now, as from today, we must institute a policy of zero tolerance, on-the-spot fines and an action plan. Nudge a nodder is the solution, with two nudges allowable if the offender is actually snoring.
I have to say that our personal dress codes need attention. I was most encouraged in that area by the noble Baroness, Lady Trumpington, who has already been mentioned this afternoon. As ever, she is ahead of us. When ordering a smart navy skirt from one of her catalogues, it was disappointing when it arrived as it was far too long. But the noble Baroness took it to be altered to 29 inches in length, just below the knee. That was an acceptable length and that was her choice. Sadly, as sometimes happens, the message was distorted. When she unpacked the garment, now amended, she found to her astonishment that it was a mere 19 inches long. By my reckoning that would just about reach halfway up the noble Baroness's stately thighs. Well, what an opportunity for a brand new look! I know that noble Lords on all sides of the House will join me in encouraging the noble Baroness in an early airing, in this Chamber and outside, of her daring new ensemble. What is more, we should follow her lead and radically update our wardrobes, captivating popular approval in so doing. We might even consider asking Trinny and Susannah to smarten us up.
A number of other simple adjustments would undoubtedly be great crowd pleasers. The Parliament Choir has been most co-operative. They have agreed to ditch Verdi's "Requiem" this year in favour of a blast of reggae, jungle, hip hop and garage. Believe me, they will undoubtedly rise to the challenge; they are well up to it, as the younger generation would say.
The Lord Chancellor is seriously considering my suggestion that throughout December he should don Father Christmas garb. What a festive pageant it would make, especially with his whole entourage dressed as Santa's little helpers. It would be a real crowd pleaser and a wonderful transformation for the Lord Chancellor's procession, sure to gain public approval, especially if he invited some of the younger visitors to sit on his knee in the grotto. Those are just a few ideas off the top of my head; already I can see noble Lords on all sides eager to come up with splendid suggestions of their own. Perhaps we should set up another Select Committee to drive the project forward.
23 Nov 2004 : Column 11
In conclusion, so much is at stake. I am confident of a stunning transformation that will sway public opinion to such an extent that we can turn the tide of obliteration away from us. Who knows, we could remain unscathed and unassailed for many years to come—a second chance for the second Chamber. Between us, we can withstand the onslaught of the forces of democracy, and, with a little bit of luck, we will still be here for many years to come.
I beg to second my noble friend's Motion for an humble Address.
| Next Section | Back to Table of Contents | Lords Hansard Home Page |